Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Over a year later...

It's over a year ago now since I had my stroke and in terms of all the important health stuff, I'm doing pretty good. I've made adaptions to my diet, which has seen an introduction of meat (in small quantities) into my diet as well as much more greens because whilst I may have thought I was relatively fit last year, I don't think I was actively taking measures to ensure I was having a balanced diet. For example,  I used to regularly skip breakfast due to being so busy and as a teacher I didn't usually get home and ready to eat until late which meant I was eating at the wrong times too but now I'm absolutely on top of all those kinds of things, I make sure I have breakfast now (even if its really small, occasionally I'll just have some fruit), I also make sure I make the time to eat my lunch and dinner on time. Another thing, I've actively kept my eye on is my liquid intake just to make sure I'm keeping hydrated. Thankfully, I've had no headaches or anything like that for a good few weeks now which is definitely a positive.

Some things I have found hard though are things like being eased back into my own routine, which wasn't helped by the fact that my employer failed to comply with phased return to work procedure, instead they didn't respond - I guess for them, they just couldn't care less or appreciate that the circumstances for my time away were beyond my control. I did eventually receive a response 8 months later and was told that it was down to a change in leadership. I'm not entirely what I should do about it, on one hand I don't want the stress, but on the other I think it's absolutely disgraceful that they could do that to an employer and I want them to acknowledge that their actions were wrong in the way they dealt with me.

Obviously that has impacted my return (or rather non return) to my MA studies. I'm not able to financially afford the costs and will have to wait until I secure a more full time and permanent vacancy (whenever that will be). All these things, have had a hugely negative impact on me emotionally and psychologically as I'm constantly left feeling like I'm not good enough or frustrated that my life has been turned upside down and the aftercare isn't really that great. I think it's assumed that someone of my age is okay to be left to their own devices. I have really struggled with trying to get my head around the fact that this has completely rocked the path that I had created for myself and now I'm lagging behind so much and it's almost as if because I've physically covered, then it's all okay when infact it's the complete opposite. I tried to convince myself of that but occasionally when I'm caught off guard, I'm reminded how hard my life has become since having my stroke.

And yes, you could say I'm being incredibly cynical, but I think it's easy to say that from the outside looking in. I know that I am so lucky to still be here and to have made the near enough full recovery that I have, but part of me still isn't just content with that, I had bigger dreams and aspirations for myself and I still have every intention of reaching them, even if it means that it takes me years.

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