The morning after...

'Good morning Sandy flower, it’s tracey here, I’ve come to give you your morning meds…’ It’s almost as though I’d forgotten what had happened to me. ‘When can I go home, I wanna go home now’, so she explained to me what had happened and by then, I was too dosed up to remember what was going on, so was in and out of sleep for the next 2 hours. Then, I get up with the sudden urge to go to the toilet. I was feeling great and I was so adamant that I could and would be able to make it by myself.

So, I managed to swivel myself to the right and use the strength of my right side to propel me up, but I have to try this a fair few times as I’m struggling to keep balanced and keep falling down on my left side. After many attempts I somehow manage to find the strength to go to stand up on my right leg off the bed and then immediately realising I’m needing to step on my left leg to get upright but it just doesn’t happen, and I literally crash wallop and bang to the floor so hard, all my drips and wires attached have come loose, and I’m trying to get up but my body just isn’t responding. This in turn gets me so angry, but then so sad and just a whole range of emotions all in one. It suddenly beckoned on me that this was not going to be easy and that it was a long haul kind of journey I was about to embark on. And in that moment of defeatism, I just brokedown in tears. I didn’t feel like Sandy, I felt like my identity had been taken away from me because my independence was what I was most proud of about myself.

The elderly lady in the bed opposite jumped out of her chair and basically grassed me up to the nurses although, I was hardly conspicious - I was slumped, face down on the floor, with the machines I was attached to bleeping off because I’d become detached during my fall. So, once the nurses etc ran in and picked me up, I got the biggest bollocking ever. I gave them the silent treatment, they asked if I would do it again, to which I replied yes.

And in that time they must’ve contacted my next of kin as when I next woke up my boyfriend was sat there at my bedside with his book and his notebook. I asked why he was here and he told me the hospital called and asked if he could sit with me to keep an eye on me as I was getting a bit too big for my boots. And yup, you guessed it, he gave me a bollocking too. I wasn’t too fussed about that though as I was just pleased to see him, and instead remained on my best behaviour.

So, my afternoon got off to a great start, and then it was visiting hours, I wasn’t expecting to see anyone other than my sister and mum. Instead, I was overwhelmed at all who came to visit; my mum’s closest friend, friends from school, Richy P. And then the biggest surprise of all my friend Sam (who lives in the capital) was here, I was so happy to see her but equally frustrated that people’s schedules had been interrupted and inconvenienced because of me. Then Skelts came, and he didn’t let me off with any abuse, which was a relief because I wanted to feel like my old self and with those people treating me that way, it allowed me to in some way feel connected to the old me. Then by 8, I was all alone again ready for bed, which sucked, especially after such a high of a day.